ON MY MIND

I found you on my mind today.

I thought about picking up the phone and telling you.
but I didn't have anything else to say -- 
and I thought you'd think I was dumb.
so I never dialed your number

I thought about opening an email and telling you
but written words are things you can't get back, stamped there in print for eternity
and I wasn't sure if I wanted you to know you were on my mind if I wasn't on yours.
so I never sent the message

I thought about stopping by your house and bringing you coffee
Like maybe a peace offering of caffeine would somehow alleviate the tension that once was
but I don't even know if you like coffee anymore and I was afraid of what you would do if you saw my face there on your doorstep
So I never came over

but you were still on my mind.

and so I'm telling you here... in this place you probably never read
so that somewhere, it's there. and if you're interested to know... 

You were on my mind today.

FORGIVEN, BUT NOT FORGOTTEN

I've been thinking about the idea of forgiveness again. I struggle with it -- maybe not so much with the idea of forgiveness itself, but with the line that lies between forgiveness and wisdom. I've often walked the side where I have been very open with forgiveness and have let repeat offenders cross line after line. I got burned by that, deeply. And then I cowered back to the other side of the line where I was afraid to let anyone who had hurt me before have the chance to do it again.

It seems that there should be some middle ground there and I'm trying to find it.

I want to be the kind of person who can have the courage to extend grace to those who have been hurtful. But, I also want to be wise and not invite in disaster.  It's like if someone came into your house, totally trashed it, and then left -- without a second thought or a care for what they left you with.  It is a good thing, I think, to be able to forgive them for their actions and their thoughtlessness.  But, would you let them back in to do it a second, third, fourth time?

I guess that's the rub. -- But it's also what I think about on both sides of the coin.  I haven't always been faultless either. I've made choices that I wish I hadn't, said things that I wished I'd kept silent on.  So, when I'm faced with someone else's mistrust, I have to understand that and not be angry over it. I have to understand that maybe they're struggling with forgiveness and the ability to trust, too.

That we're all trying to find that middle ground.

THURSDAY TALES: BACK TO THE PAST

She eyed me from across the table over her water glass. "Have you ever gone back to something?"

"What do you mean?"

"I don't know exactly," she shrugged. "Just... something."

I raised an eyebrow at her and let the silence linger until she set down her glass and picked up her fork to pick at the meal in front of her.

"I've tried," I finally said. "Once, after I left home, I tried to go back. But, there really wasn't a place for me anymore. They'd all adjusted to my absence and life had gone on, and I became something like a guest."

"That's terrible."

"Not really. We're meant to grow up and make our own lives. Another time, I tried to return to some friends that I had walked away from.  But... when I went back, the hole that was there to fill was one left by the person I had been.  And I had become someone different that no longer fit that hole. So, that didn't quite work either."

I stared into the candlelight and tried to think of something less... failing.

"Once I tried to return to a relationship that I thought had died. But, when I did, I found that we'd both changed and no longer fit the relationship we had before."

"So that didn't quite work either?" she asked me.

"No," I said slowly.  "No, it didn't.  But it was still important, so we found new ways and new expectations and a new relationship. I suppose I've never had much success with going back to something, trying to recapture the past."

"I guess you can only go forward."

I smiled at her.  "I guess so."