THURSDAY TALES: WHEN I'M OLD

"What do you think I'll be like when I'm old?" I peered at my husband over my coffee cup as we sat entwined on the stairs of our new home.

"Well," he said thoughtfully. "You'll have laughed a lot by then, so you'll have lots of wrinkles around your eyes and mouth, and you'll probably be all bent over.  You'll wear your hair up in one of those old lady bandanas so we can't really see what color your hair is.  And your voice will be all creaky like an old rocking chair, but the kids in the neighborhood won't care because you'll be the lady with all the cats who makes all the cookies."

I wasn't exactly sure I liked all that. He reached forward and touched my cheek.  "But I will love you just the same... only better.  How about me?"

I grinned at him.  "I'll love you when you're a wrinkly old lady, too."

YOU WILL COME BACK

It had been a long season of hard heartache. Broken relationships, shattered trust, disillusioned expectations. Weeks had been spent in tears until I no longer even had those left... only an empty husk of a heart that was afraid to move in any direction, lest its last remaining thread strength be ripped away.

I felt like there was nothing left of me.  I looked in the mirror and I didn't know that girl anymore. I knew the smiley one, the one who could find humor in anything.  But this broken girl?  I didn't know her.  I didn't want to know her. She seemed to be every weak part of me, all rolled up into one person. To know her was to accept her. To accept her was to ... be her.

Over time, I came back to myself.  Because you do.  That season of heartache doesn't last forever, and you eventually come back to yourself. The laughter you knew before, it comes back.  When you look in the mirror, you begin to see more and more glimpses of the girl you used to be, the girl you liked being.

But, the girl you were in the midst of the heartache, she's there too.  Behind your eyes, she's still there and this is probably a good thing.  For going through the heartache isn't just about getting through it.  It's about healing and it's about wisdom. It's learning lessons about yourself and other people.  It's about changing and growth.

You will learn to recognize yourself in the mirror again.  You will come back to yourself again.  But, you will be different, too.